25 March 2009

Pillars of fire in the desert

"I can imagine you would get used to being very quiet and alone with all that desert."

I have been getting nervous as our Mexico trip approaches. Logistics, money, employment, etc.
I have even contemplated certain 'outs' from time to time. One of those times was today.
I said to someone in conversation, describing my indecisions and regrets as thirty approached, as I look back do I get discouraged, do I take it as motivation?
Neither, he replied. That's escapism; you remember that you made choices for a reason and you are living the results of those reasons. Live that, remember it, be aware and continue with that awareness.
I understood this, it is known but maybe not felt, at least not always. But, I said, half joking - I just want a burning bush to be there.
I was thinking of Moses, and was amused by the unintended humor. Moses did not even trust the bush. Confused by my reference, the reply was a reference to The Last Temptation of Christ, A favorite film of mine, and one I had just been thinking about.
He says- Jesus went into the desert for forty days right?


Without food and saw he burning bush (actually a pillar of fire and Satan in the film. Same thing really), but the burning bush was always there, the desert just brought it into focus. You ask for a burning bush, but it is always there. (Now referring to my trip), you will know if this is something you need to do or just a symbol that has gotten larger than it is worth.

The amazing thing is he had just given me the signal with his analogous misstep. Here I am at thirty thinking back, in decades as we tend to, looking down at where I am and reaching forward. Ten years ago, I let myself be talked out of a purpose. I was near the apex of spiritual crisis and intended to drive my van to the desert in Mexico and fast as Christ had done. No one supported this, least of all the people I expected to. I leaned back on that lack of support. Had I gone, then what...?
I did not go and then, the next ten years of my life. Here I am on the precipice of a similar endeavor. Here I go. We are going. Jesus was thirty when he started walking.
That burning bush is always there. Fire walk with me.

Here is a biblical twin peaks:

featuring Willem Defoe, a favorite actor


  1. Nick, your struggles are always so wonderful. It has always seemed to me that you walk your path with a strong sense of presence and also of engagement. Whether you go or not, this will not change. But have no fear. There is nothing to fear. Be sure footed. And enjoy-you are having a very magical journey.